Addicted to Love
I have a problem. It's been lasting for as long as I can remember, or even as far back as my first crush in Kindergarten. Beth Forst in Barretts Elementary. I'm always misunderstood, and I always perceive myself as a victim. (See results of myers-briggs test below). After reflecting a bit, I figure this likely comes from being made fun of being different in school. Seems like everybody was made fun of, and had some sort of role, and I was perhaps not the most popular. I was always the goofy one, not really wanting to do what others wanted me to do, unless I wanted to do it too, as in team sports. I'd do my homework, but I'd suck at it because I wasn't motivated. I am ashamed of this. I constantly remind myself of what Karen told me before I entered high school: Do well because then you can get into better schools... it all starts now (while I was in middle school).Now that I'm waaaaaaay past due on my Bachelor's Degree Piece Of Paper Apparant Holy Fucking Grail Thingy I think I would have approached my education much differently. I also didn't like how my parents (especially mom) hovered over me not so much in a loving way but in a way that made me feel shameful if I made C's. So I did my work mundanely, satisfied at whatever result I got. I was of course bored with the coursework. I just didn't see myself going to Harvard or whatever, so what did it matter at the time.
God, I'm so sorry that I did that.
Now I make C's because I study, study, and study again at the CSC's library. I really earn these suckers this time. I wrote before how sometimes I don't even know how MORE to improve on scoring good grades. Perhaps Computer Science was not meant to be my major. I hate all of this code. I'm a left brain organized type of logical and reasoning type of guy, so it seemed logical to pursue computers due to my interest in web sites, but I just hate all the abstract code, functions, and endless libraries. It's like I will never be able to understand it all. Back when I was in Denmark, I chose web design as a career because the web was a new novelty and I liked seeing how these cool new platform-less world-wide user interfaces (now called Websites of course) worked.
I'd much prefer follow the path of one former super-crush in 2003 (named Jenny Heinz) and one present crush (who has her own site and maybe I'll blog about her later so I won't jinx myself but I'll give away her first name only and it's Amy) and major in Graphic design. Only I can't do that cause it'd be impractical -- I'm three classes away from earning my Bachelor's Degree Piece Of Paper Apparant Holy Fucking Grail Thingy!!! WOOT!
So anyway about this addicted to love thing. I always throw my heart out to others because I would rather love and lost then never to have loved at all, but I have always been dumped as a result. It's like the movie Big Fish, where the women keep slipping between my fingers. I wish I could just be happily married already. Fuck the single life, I'm lonely and I don't want to be lonely anymore. I know how to love myself already, and I'm reeeeaaaalllyy tired of doing so. It's just gotten too old and too lame for me. My heart yearns for something that is absolute, something that will never leave me, something like... Jesus?
I also know what it means to not be so 100% happily married. It's called, my parents. I have been witness to some really dark and stormy clouds over the years. We all have I'm sure. But at least they have not divorced. I know people whose parents have.
I have never seen my dad drunk, with another woman, on drugs (that weren't specifically prescribed to him), go AWOL by walking out of the house onto the streets forever, commit suicide, or have any significant reason as to why to leave or abandon my mom, and I'm proud of him for having survived 40 years and counting. Anybody who knows them can tell that they are still In Love with each other... Awwww :)
My parents' 40 years are coming up and I honestly don't know how to celebrate it. Neither does my sister. And my sister's husband does not even want to partake in anything related to them. This is probably due to a lot of friction over the years beginning with a misunderstanding, and a culture clash. Everything went downhill from there. Unfortunately I see both sides and agree with both of them, to an extent. But, whatever.
I don't agree with Friends-Family taking the place of a Real-Family though. For me, it's a strong emotional detachment, when I see my mom's friends taking the place of my real family when I WILL! pass through the stage and receive my Bachelor's Degree Piece Of Paper Apparant Holy Fucking Grail Thingy.
Then I guess I can be more assertive and stop the pouting and all of the feeling-like-a-victim-being-sympathetic- to-others-and-helpless-to-stop-it shit. I know I'm better than that. I know I'm more mature and emotionless to it. Except, when I'm not. I'm only one human... addicted to love.
posted by Erik @ 9:28 PM
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